Ending "Gate Rape"

As we approach the busiest travel season of the year in the US, I've  seen a lot of chatter on news sites and blogs regarding the new TSA scanners and "invasive" pat downs. The new, virtual strip searches and authorized gropings have created a security versus privacy debate unlike anything I've seen in recent memory. On the one side stands the terrorist-phobic public who wants to protect lives at any cost. On the other side are the conspiracy theorists who feel the government is going to store the images and leak them to the internet for profit.

I tend to fall in the middle. And, because I've never been one to see a problem without offering a solution, I hereby submit my quick-fix, immediately implementable solutions to this growing problem:

1. Privatize the screening. Prior to September 11, airport screening was privatized. After September 11, Congress created the TSA and put them in charge of screening passengers. I called foul immediately, and still do. Having a government agency perform a search is a violation of the Fourth Amendment rights which guards against illegal searches and seizures. The TSA searching your belongings and person at an airport is, without any stretch, a warrant-less search and seizure. A more appropriate law would be to hold airlines accountable for security and make them liable for acts of terrorism in the case of negligence (they are not liable today), and then provide guidelines for what constitutes negligence so the airlines don't raise ticket prices to ridiculous levels to cover their insurance premiums. Private enterprise would then intervene and find the best way to make screening fast, effective, and safe - all without a fourth amendment violation.


2. Use extremely high-powered magnets. If you stick to the wall as you walk by, you cannot fly. You'll have to remove your jewelry, watches, glasses, belt buckles, steel-toed boots and hope the iron levels in your blood are low, but it would find any weapons that are not plastic explosives. To find the plastic explosives, you need to implement my final suggestion.


3. Make all flights, nude flights. The security benefits are obvious - nothing to hide because there is nowhere to hide it! Can you put much more than an M-80 in a body cavity? Also, since the typical terrorist considers the naked body of the opposite gender an affront to their morality, they would be scripturally forbidden from flying. The additional benefits to this solution are astounding. First, think of the fuel savings achieved when obese people stop flying. It may even help combat America's obesity epidemic. People would start losing weight so they could travel by air. Second, flights with children will be drastically reduced. No more obnoxious seven year-olds running up and down the aisles - though crying babies would probably still be common. Finally, consider the boost to other industries: sunglasses to hide where eyes are looking; grooming products; body makeup. The benefits just keep growing!

Ultimately, I think, if we're willing to think outside the box, we can find a creative middle ground. As for me, I'm going to put #3 into practice on my next flight.

Watch for me in the news! I wonder if I'll make it to the ticket counter?